Getting a Dog to MountOkay people, a year ago I never would have dreamed of ever writing this. Like, " What for?! There's no problem, getting a Dog to mount ye! ". No? Well, let's rephrase that:- I've personally damn seldom had a problem and Ive been mounted by a not inconsiderable number of Dogs. I'm not Super Man and I don't smell like a Bitch on Heat. So what the hell is giving so many of you such problems?
Back to the Chats and Forums again! Two things stand out there:
1. The sheer numbers of people having difficulties and the apparrent similarity of their cases.
2. The moment a female requests advice on this matter; The *alarming* rush of Lurkers, as well as known Pond Life to respond with " E mail me.....we can correspond on this matter. " or " Tell us about what you DO with your Dog...". And I hardly think offering a sensible diagnosis is the idea there either.
The number of guys who present with this problem is probably far above those of females. But then, this could be as much due to the females reticence in coming foreward at all about such matters as much as lack of cases? Anyway, I'm a guy myself, so I'm really coming from a blokes perspective here. But, for one thing, Ive had a deal of personal experience with Dog / Woman situations and, for another, it seems to make damn all difference to a Dog What you are!
Okay. Lets get to work. There'll be nothing here for people who don't have a problem. There'll only be a Model for those who may. I.e. I'm gonna keep it nice and plain and cover all the nonsense that, perhaps, we more experienced people just take for granted? Here goes.....
You need a Dog. Let's get that straight. And not just any old Dog either. It's of a certain advantage if your Dog has testicles. These, if present, should be attatched to the core of the Dogs body. Yet be descended and - as far as we may yet know - fully functioning. Heh! Have your little sniggers and smirks. But even I, after thirty years of Active Service, at that time, bought me a Prime looking Stud Dog. He had no fucking balls, people. There ends That sorry tale!
But your Dog has got balls and you know they're working cos he cums like a burst dam when you jerk him. We'll get to that shortly. First, lock the doors. Draw the curtains. Disconnect the phone. You cannot carry that Dog on your back. You'll look damn silly. Prepare to stay just where you both end up - once you end up there - for at least twenty minutes. Thus, considering the rest takes time, it's not clever to think about a " Quickie " with Bonzo. Dogs don't really Do reliable Quickies. Like the people say, in the Guides: Allow an Hour or so at least. Now get naked.
Now, if your Dogs anything like mine, his nose'll be straight between your legs. Got that? Good. Dog knows which end of you's which then and probably has a pretty shrewd idea what its function is too. If he hasn't shown an immidiate clear interest, no worrys. Nows where you might start biting your lip and wondering if he really did want to go out? Or finish that drink of water? Or have that morsal of food? Or what else might be on that Dogs mind to distract him from sex? Look for that and resolve it. Getting on all fours normally sorts anything at this stage. Try that next.
Now, you must realise and keep in mind that Im working to the extreme model of a slow Dog here. Right? Like, with a good Dog, by now he's probably got ye and is making good. Heh! Enjoy! I always have! For those of you peering over your shoulders at me? Please turn around this way. Keep your rear end pointing at that Dog of yours. He'll come round and start sniffing and licking it soon enough.
If he doesn't, what's to do? Well, was your feet could be the answer. Yes. Ive had a fuckin Dog so interested in the salt from my sweaty foot soles, that he plainly considered them an oppertunity just too good to be missed and so decided to pass up on shagging me silly untill he'd good and done. Bastard.
If you've just come out of the shower - and right between two showers is a great time for Dog Sex! There's just something so Extra horny about giving yourself, all fresh and clean, to an animal that's going to drench your body in his hot, pungent cum - then there should be no problem. The visual stimulas of your dick should do it, if your a guy. Just letting him see you at his level should bring him over, if your a girl. Once there, and gently encouraged, for the sake of pointing out that this is in fact OK with his Alpha, he should proceed to lick you with gusto. If your a guy, you may get lucky and find he's a dick licking champion. He may not bother. For a girl? If any of this preperatory activity so far has turned you on in the least? Don't tell me you still have a problem?!
Honey is what they all band about in the Forums and Chats. I don't keep honey in my cupboards and haven't got a handy vagina and your Dog to find out. You'll have to. Hey! Dogs seem to love Banannas...! True! Be imaginative, people! Don't come to me saying, " My Dog won't..." when you haven't tried beyond sitting there, staring at him balefully.
OK, so he's licking and sniffing. Feels great and does none of ye any harm. I have had Dogs lick a mans dick away. Others all but ignore it after a salutory lick. Got a bloody great Mastiff right now that all but goes down on ye! Biggest mouth I've ever seen on a Dog. Gentle as a woman in awe. Ye just never can tell.
There's really only one natural progression from here. He knows it. You know it. So why do so many of you fuck it up right here? Because YOU lose control of the situation yourself, that's why. Starting with yourselves.
Unless that damn Dog hops up on your back and rams home the good news for ye, you're scammpering across the bloody floor like some horribly mutated baby, reaching for his dick, aren't ye? And when you get it? You'll wank it. Stop right there.
Go to one " Educational " or " Instructional " source and you'll see a picture to illustrate masturbating a Dog? Yes. A more wrong way of doing it would be hard to illustrate with the wealth of available, better, photographs. Something is as something does. And there's probably a " sees " in there somewhere as well. But that's not how you do it. ( Heh! If that is how you do it, you've been mis bloody informed. That'll be the root of your problem. I, ignoring that pun. )
Do it right. Do it quick. Do it sparsely.
Just ignore all that dangling and swinging appendage you see as his dick. That's all superfluous for the moment. To him and to you. Run your fingers back along that. Over his knot. ( Yes. He has a knot. He always has a knot. It doesn't come out of thin air. It simply swells bigger when he cums. Bit like a bloke getting a hard on. Marshmallow becomes iron sort of effect? ). Yes. And behind that is where you wank a Dog. That few inches of stem shaft, right there between his knot and not much else. Then see the bugger react!
Now, you see, This is where it all happens. You start wanking. The Dog starts Thrusting. Pre Cum's shooting everywhere and you're probably not far off it yourself! Very easy, in that situation to keep on doing what you re doing and thus making the Dog do what he's doing which, of course. is devestatingly horny but is, none the less, cumming! He's getting what he wants because you're too fuckin fasinated by his performance to stop giving it to him! What about yourself?!
Ok. This is fine now and then. As a treat for both you and the Dog. It's great to see it all go off - and hopefully all over you! Celebrate! But don't allow it to become a habit. Five times on the trot and that Dog could learn Lazy Dog Syndrome. Put simply, that means you've shown the crafty Dog that he can reach a crashing orgasm, just by licking you for a minute, then humping your active hand a little. That's shortly before you call someone like me in! " My Dog won't Mount me! He just stands around, humping! ". Bloody sure he does! What else have you taught him he may expect???
Here's what to do. It's really quite simple:- Give the Dog a little *encouragment*. Simply stimulate the response where by dick sends message to brain:- " Hello. Something afoot here...". That's all. See how he reacts. More avid licking and snuffling around your rear is an excellent sighn. Please be aware that, at any time during this reading, he may well decide he's read enough, worked out where he went wrong and will jump up and start jigging it into you like an arab sewing machine?
Always present your rear to him. If he tries to mount your head or shoulder? Don't be silly. He's got a job to do and yours is to ensure he's aware of what it is and that he should be doing it. All the time he's got his nose rammed up there, it's a good precursory sighn that he intends to get on and fuck what he's found. It also feels fuckin great, so relax and enjoy it. Leave his damn dick alone for five minutes. See?
If he doesn't decide to take you, give him another quick reminder. Present your rear, and so on. If he starts losing pre cum? Smear some on your bits. It'll drive him to ever more licking. Get him even more excited. And is godly for wanking yourself with! However, jets of warm and watery also mean he's just about ready to go Nuclear on you. For chrissakes be carefull around there. Best not to touch him at all as he'll likely be so excited, anything will set him off.
Really, I guess if he's got the point of shooting Pre Cum, then I must be nearing the end of this review. One major point here:- What to do it you've just seen the balance lean horribly the wrong way and just keep going? " TIMBER!!! " He's gonna Blow! ???
Do nothing. Worse thing you can do, as he stands there, huffin and humpin and shooting his inner goodness all over the carpet, is do anything. Go get the Yellow Pages. Look up a good. local Carpet Steam Cleaners instead. Leave him to it. Don't for heaven sake rush to his aid and put it anywhere firmly closeing! He'll just think it's his Birthday all over again and you're on the road to ruining him.
Bottom line in all this then? If you have brought a Dog to the point of no return and he's still refusing to mount you? Yes. I'd suggest you may well have a problem Dog. What made him that way, I'll probably guess and you'll have to live with. Not much good, you coming to me then. I'll only refer you back to this piece. What I wrote it for. Read it properly and you should never have a need to contact me or anyone else about your Dog.
Use the above as a guide and you should be getting rogered rotten by part way through this. If you percieve you have a " Problem Dog "? Follow the advice contained here in. Give it time, people! Rome wasn't built in a day. You've gotta re wire that Dogs way of seeing things again. That's all. With Dogs, I think you'll find, a lot of is down to expectation. What they expect us to be expecting of Them. Make him think he may cum in your hand and, like the good Dog that he is, he'll assume this is what you then expect of him and. equelly, he'll be expecting you to expect the same, next time. And a Dog will always do it's uttmost. not to let you down!